Defusing conflict in groups under stress

Under stress people get irritated faster. Tiredness, hunger, cold, cramped conditions and fear use up energy that would otherwise go into patience and tolerance. At the same time, stressed people are more likely to read others' behaviour as hostile: a forgotten washing-up then looks not like absent-mindedness but like inconsiderateness. That is how conflicts arise that would not be conflicts at all in calm times.

Many arguments in crises revolve around the same topics: who gets how much of the supplies? Who decides? Who works more, who less? Who may sleep when? If these questions are unresolved, every little thing becomes a trigger. Clear, fair rules pull the ground from under many conflicts before they arise.

The IASC guidelines on psychosocial support in emergencies emphasise self-organisation, participation and fair distribution in affected communities as protective factors. In other words: a group in which everyone has a say and resources are visibly shared fairly is more likely to stay peaceful.

First check basic needs: is everyone fed, warm and reasonably rested? Many conflicts ease by themselves after a meal, a break or a night's sleep. A difficult conversation on an empty stomach and after a sleepless night is almost always harder than it needs to be.

Clarify the rules early: how are decisions made – by one person after consultation, together, by vote? How are supplies, tasks and rest times shared? Write the rules down and put them up where they can be seen. What everyone can see doesn't have to be renegotiated all the time.

In larger groups, clear responsibilities help: one person for water, one for food, one for information, one for childcare. This reduces friction from duplicated work and the feeling that some do more than others. Share supplies so that everyone can see it – secrecy breeds mistrust, even when everything is fair.

Slow things down. Suggest a break (“Let's take ten minutes to breathe and then carry on talking”), separate the people arguing physically, and deliberately speak more quietly and slowly yourself. Loudness is contagious, and so is calm. Don't have it out in front of an audience – nobody wants to back down in front of onlookers.

Let both sides speak. Each person describes their view without being interrupted. Then sum up in your own words what you have understood (“You're annoyed because you feel you always fetch the water and others don't”). People who feel understood usually calm down.

Ask what lies behind a demand. “I want the place by the window!” is a position; behind it may be a need for fresh air, quiet or light. Once you know the interests, you often find solutions that do justice to both. At the end, make a concrete agreement and check together after a while whether it works.

With violence, threats or weapons, do not step in between. Mediating at any cost is the wrong approach then. Get distance, bring others – especially children – to safety and call the local emergency number (112 in the EU). Emergency shelters usually have staff in charge or security personnel; inform them.

Alcohol and lack of sleep lower inhibitions. So don't hold difficult conversations late at night, after sleepless nights or when people have been drinking. Better to postpone: “Let's talk about this calmly tomorrow morning.”

These tips are meant for everyday tensions within a group. They do not help with domestic violence – there, specialist services, helplines and, in an emergency, the emergency number are the right contacts. Deep, long-running conflicts sometimes need professional mediation too.

Whoever mediates should be calm themselves. If you notice that you are angry or exhausted yourself, it is better to ask someone else or postpone the conversation. Your own composure is the most important prerequisite.

Don't take sides. As soon as one side feels that you are on the other side, they stop listening to you. Your job is not to decide who is right, but to make sure both are heard and find a solution everyone can live with.

Don't ignore conflicts until they escalate. Addressing small tensions early and calmly (“I've noticed there's trouble over the washing-up. Shall we sort it out?”) costs some time and energy, but saves far more later. These steps follow general principles of conversation and do not replace professional mediation.